mentalhealththerapist – Rachel's Heart Therapy

Victim Shaming: when ignorance is not bliss.

Welcome to this professional entry! Here, I write about a very important topic in the trauma and psychology field of study called: “victim shaming”. I remember learning about this topic very early on in my career while in my first internship at an Emergency Domestic Violence shelter. Even though I learned about this topic, I do not remember it ever having an actual term called: “victim shaming” although I do remember material around not blaming the victim for what happened to them. However, back then, there was not an actual term (used in my specific training) to define a whole host of inappropriate treatment toward trauma victims around shaming or blaming them. It could be that we did not spend too much time on this topic because most people who are naturals in this field, to be frank: get it very quickly and easily due to their empathic nature. This is one common innate gift of many therapists that feel called to be of service to help others. Therapists go through trauma-sensitive/informed training and education to ensure that they are not contributing and perpetuating their client’s trauma. Reflecting on this is sad for me, not only as a therapist but as a human empath with a beating heart. In my trauma-informed training and experience over the years; it always felt like common sense and intuitive as I stated previously. In both the realm of humane (being human) as well as clinical (being a therapist), too! As therapists, we enter very vulnerable, wounded, fragile places with an individual who is suffering or seeking help. I learned that of course – why would we “shame” or “blame” a victim of trauma for what happened to them, for their reaction to the trauma that happened to them, or tell them things like the following: “It’s all in your head” “It really wasn’t that big of a deal””You are making it bigger than it was””You need to get over it and move on””You need to toughen up and stop complaining””You should just stop focusing on it””Maybe you should see your part in what happened to you””Maybe it happened for a reason””You’re an adult, you should get over it”“Pull yourself up by your bootstraps!” … to name a few examples of responses that fall under the umbrella of victim shaming. It is disheartening that we must have a term for this act/mistreatment, however, I have grown to be very grateful for the term because of how common victim shaming is. This way it can be identified and that is very helpful. Having terms can help to diffuse confusion, misperceptions, misinformation, and point us toward the right direction: toward clarity, growth and learning, and the development of our intellect which is thirsty for knowledge and to understand. Being a victim is real and it is part of the process of healing from traumatic or adverse experiences. Shaming victims is a sad truth throughout history: back in the “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” days when there was an even higher stigma around mental health issues as well as even less research in the field of mental health/psychology/trauma. Unfortunately, victim shaming is still alive and thriving today. Having a word for it is relieving to me because there is no way around the term itself, we must face it: by educating ourselves. Re-examine all you have been told in school or church or in any book, and dismiss whatever insults your own soul; and your very flesh shall be a great poem, and have the richest fluency, not only in its words, but in the silent lines of its lips and face, and between the lashes of your eyes, and in every motion and joint of your body. Walt Whitman The quote above is one of my favorites by Walt Whitman in his book of poetry: Leaves of Grass. It breathes permission to dismiss what insults your soul which I place here to empower you if victim shaming has ever happened to you. As I wrote out the examples of victim shaming phrases (listed above in bold), I hold my heart as it breaks. Just know, that you do not deserve to be treated this way and it is important to have expectations of people, while also carrying the knowledge that a lot of people are not educated on this topic or have the emotional intelligence and insight to react appropriately. We hold both as best we can! We must not confuse “resiliency” for “victim shaming” as they are two very different acts. I will write more about what resiliency truly is in future posts, a favorite topic of mine, especially in the last few years. Oftentimes, individuals think victim shaming is somehow pushing the person to “be stronger” this is like resiliency wearing a mask: it is pseudo resiliency. Victim shaming is in fact not helping to build resiliency. At the most it’s like a dirty old band aid – it might cover the wound protecting it a little bit, however kind of continue infecting it. Often victim shaming was part of an individual’s trauma. It’s like being in the boxing ring and you get one hit to the side of the head, it knocks you out, and while you’re down they’re telling you to get back up and keep fighting. Most likely you have a concussion, cannot even feel that side of your face or think clearly, and you’re not even sure if you’re okay. Victim shaming is like that. You keep trying to brush yourself off and keep fighting even though you have just suffered major trauma. There is no level of severity of trauma one can endure that gives the right to victim shaming. Victim shaming is damaging to any severity of trauma (the big T’s and the little T’s). Normal life should not feel like a boxing match where you are the punching bag (on any level including emotionally and mentally/psychologically). We need time to make sure we are okay, to feel…
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Mindfulness + Nature Practice

Beauty is there if you look for it. During my graduate studies, I became inspired by an artist from Australia named Hailey Bartholomew and her 365 grateful project. She has such a beautiful way of making a gratitude practice so much fun, creative, and playful! Hailey helped me in my self-care practice. I fell in love with Hailey’s “Finding LOVE” heart-finding practice where she simply finds heart shapes on walks in nature. Hailey holds the belief while doing this that we are always finding what we are looking for. In other words, we look for what we end up finding! What a fulfilling belief. Hailey says, “when we look in the mirror, with the intention of seeing our beauty, this is what we will find: our beauty! If we look in the mirror to see the things we do not like, that is exactly what we will find. “I do not like this about my nose or my blemishes” for example. She says, “It seems to me that if we choose to look for something beautiful in our lives and the people around us, we will find it.” Y O U A R E B E A U T I F U L There are simple and mindful ways to practice this new outlook/attitude each day. Slowing down and finding heart shapes in nature is not only uplifting for the heart; it is also grounding because you are becoming more aware of the environment around you! This uplifting yet grounding combo allows one to access a sense of balance and overall sense of wellbeing over time. The more experience I obtain as a therapist; I still come back to my roots. Nature and that less is more. We do not have to do so much to obtain a sense of well-being, as sometimes this can feel like a never-ending battle. Although it requires effort and work, we can start with a simple change in attitude. Sometimes, just planting the seed is all that is needed for the new attitude to naturally grow roots within us. An attitude that is much more friendly and helps foster, promote, and develop more love for oneself… more ease. Mindfulness is simply an attitude. It takes practice to learn a new attitude, just like learning a new skill. And, with that learning requires us to make a conscious (mindful) decision in each moment to embark on that learning and often unlearning or letting go of an old way. I notice in my work as a therapist, that the ´letting go´ part can often be supported in therapy with a lot of care and understanding. Some people may adopt new attitudes or outlooks in a time of high stress, adversity, or trauma as a form of survival, innate resiliency, or inner resource with the attitude: “it’s what I had to do to get by” oftentimes bringing us back to times in our childhood where we felt powerless. I have learned that one of the most empowering things we can do for ourselves is to come back to ourselves; with the use of a simple practice like this one: to sustain a new attitude about ourselves for the long term, even after the height of trauma or stressor. This is truly empowering and where the depth of growth lies because trauma as well as stress, can offer us a deeper connection with self and new levels of resiliency and love. This new way takes time, it’s a process, and going slow is okay and often resorts to a more rooted and sustainable connection and resiliency over time where healing naturally unfolds. It is because we start to feel safe again. Just like the leaves in the fall season, they naturally fall from the tree. There is no need to pluck them out or shake the tree so they fall… they will fall naturally as you grow to love yourself more, you will simply no longer need those older attitudes or outlooks you once had that helped you as much as they could at that time. Just like an old friend, parent, substance, or other, we heal and evolve in healthier ways to outgrow our relationship with them. Oftentimes these attitudes or outlooks are modeled for us as children or engrained in us by how we were treated as a child. Now, you: taking over and being the responsible one in all facets of your wellbeing; this is your forever superpower. There might be a need to be gentle with ourselves: to say those old outlooks or attitudes we once had were wrong or bad is like saying the leaves that fall from the tree in the fall season are wrong or bad. They are leaves that naturally fall away, nature does not think so much, nature naturally and fully breathes each expression of life effortlessly. Lessen your load, lessen your efforts. Allow things to unfold in time. Finding just one heart at a time; with each new heart, a new love for yourself is discovered and nurtured. Happy new discoveries of love, Rachel Howard, LMFT, ATR-BC, RYT All images © Rachel Howard Friendly reminder (disclaimer): The information in this entry is not therapy and cannot be a substitute for work with a licensed therapist. The information in the entry is only intended for educational purposes around the topic of mindfulness, a different perspective, or ideas for self-care/wellbeing and food for thought.

Tag: mentalhealththerapist

Victim Shaming: when ignorance is not bliss.

Mindfulness + Nature Practice