Welcome to this professional entry! Here, I write about a very important topic in the trauma and psychology field of study called: “victim shaming”.
I remember learning about this topic very early on in my career while in my first internship at an Emergency Domestic Violence shelter. Even though I learned about this topic, I do not remember it ever having an actual term called: “victim shaming” although I do remember material around not blaming the victim for what happened to them. However, back then, there was not an actual term (used in my specific training) to define a whole host of inappropriate treatment toward trauma victims around shaming or blaming them. It could be that we did not spend too much time on this topic because most people who are naturals in this field, to be frank: get it very quickly and easily due to their empathic nature. This is one common innate gift of many therapists that feel called to be of service to help others.
Therapists go through trauma-sensitive/informed training and education to ensure that they are not contributing and perpetuating their client’s trauma. Reflecting on this is sad for me, not only as a therapist but as a human empath with a beating heart. In my trauma-informed training and experience over the years; it always felt like common sense and intuitive as I stated previously. In both the realm of humane (being human) as well as clinical (being a therapist), too! As therapists, we enter very vulnerable, wounded, fragile places with an individual who is suffering or seeking help. I learned that of course – why would we “shame” or “blame” a victim of trauma for what happened to them, for their reaction to the trauma that happened to them, or tell them things like the following:
“It’s all in your head”
“It really wasn’t that big of a deal”
”You are making it bigger than it was”
”You need to get over it and move on”
”You need to toughen up and stop complaining”
”You should just stop focusing on it”
”Maybe you should see your part in what happened to you”
”Maybe it happened for a reason”
”You’re an adult, you should get over it”
“Pull yourself up by your bootstraps!”
… to name a few examples of responses that fall under the umbrella of victim shaming. It is disheartening that we must have a term for this act/mistreatment, however, I have grown to be very grateful for the term because of how common victim shaming is. This way it can be identified and that is very helpful. Having terms can help to diffuse confusion, misperceptions, misinformation, and point us toward the right direction: toward clarity, growth and learning, and the development of our intellect which is thirsty for knowledge and to understand. Being a victim is real and it is part of the process of healing from traumatic or adverse experiences. Shaming victims is a sad truth throughout history: back in the “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” days when there was an even higher stigma around mental health issues as well as even less research in the field of mental health/psychology/trauma. Unfortunately, victim shaming is still alive and thriving today. Having a word for it is relieving to me because there is no way around the term itself, we must face it: by educating ourselves.
Re-examine all you have been told in school or church or in any book, and dismiss whatever insults your own soul; and your very flesh shall be a great poem, and have the richest fluency, not only in its words, but in the silent lines of its lips and face, and between the lashes of your eyes, and in every motion and joint of your body.
Walt Whitman
The quote above is one of my favorites by Walt Whitman in his book of poetry: Leaves of Grass. It breathes permission to dismiss what insults your soul which I place here to empower you if victim shaming has ever happened to you. As I wrote out the examples of victim shaming phrases (listed above in bold), I hold my heart as it breaks. Just know, that you do not deserve to be treated this way and it is important to have expectations of people, while also carrying the knowledge that a lot of people are not educated on this topic or have the emotional intelligence and insight to react appropriately. We hold both as best we can!
We must not confuse “resiliency” for “victim shaming” as they are two very different acts. I will write more about what resiliency truly is in future posts, a favorite topic of mine, especially in the last few years. Oftentimes, individuals think victim shaming is somehow pushing the person to “be stronger” this is like resiliency wearing a mask: it is pseudo resiliency. Victim shaming is in fact not helping to build resiliency. At the most it’s like a dirty old band aid – it might cover the wound protecting it a little bit, however kind of continue infecting it. Often victim shaming was part of an individual’s trauma. It’s like being in the boxing ring and you get one hit to the side of the head, it knocks you out, and while you’re down they’re telling you to get back up and keep fighting. Most likely you have a concussion, cannot even feel that side of your face or think clearly, and you’re not even sure if you’re okay. Victim shaming is like that. You keep trying to brush yourself off and keep fighting even though you have just suffered major trauma. There is no level of severity of trauma one can endure that gives the right to victim shaming. Victim shaming is damaging to any severity of trauma (the big T’s and the little T’s).
Normal life should not feel like a boxing match where you are the punching bag (on any level including emotionally and mentally/psychologically). We need time to make sure we are okay, to feel protected, to heal, to process, to be able to respond in a healthy way for ourselves that will not keep hurting us or put us in danger. These are all normal reactions to victim shaming (because we are in survival mode): shutting down, making unhealthy decisions, feeling lost or confused, exhaustion, going along with anything said to us, trusting the wrong people, taking poor advice, risky behavior, entering unhealthy relationships, and more.
Before we go into the next segment of this topic, I want to state here that there is such thing as healthy shame. Yes, I said it! I repeat, there is such thing as healthy shame. We feel it when we hurt someone’s feelings. We feel it when we feel horrible because we really messed up and hurt someone. We feel it when we crossed someone’s boundaries. It is normal and healthy to feel shame, and healthy responses when we catch ourselves in the wrong, are: “I feel so horrible, I am so sorry!”” I am so sorry; I care about your feelings so much! ¨ “Oh no, I think I hurt their feelings, or they took it the wrong way, I am very sorry!” What we do with this feeling of healthy shame is simple: we say we are sorry. That is healthy. We take responsibility. We repair the damage done. We respect and honor the other person’s feelings and their hurt or needs. We self-reflect. We forgive ourselves, releasing the shame, and hopefully, we grow and learn. Shame has its purpose. It’s not healthy or normal when someone does something hurtful to someone (aware or not aware) and they feel no shame at all and/or they do not repair or say they are sorry. This is an unhealthy response to healthy shame. Of course, we try to keep in mind that an individual who reacts to shame in an unhealthy way may be lacking in the realm of emotional development, have unresolved trauma, and have very little insight or awareness. I am naming a few reasons why individuals may struggle with shame. Shame is a very tricky emotion to understand, and it is one of the emotions we learn as children – as we are not born able to feel it.
There is a healthy shame and there is an unhealthy shame. We are talking about unhealthy shame when we talk about victim shaming. Other examples of unhealthy shame can be the shame someone may feel (that is displaced onto them from someone else’s pain) after being sexually abused, physically abused, verbally assaulted, bullied, or a victim of a hate crime. Unhealthy shame is when we did nothing wrong, we were a vulnerable victim/survivor to someone’s mistreatment of us and we internalize this: “I am bad” versus guilt which is: “I feel bad”. Both emotions can be felt by a victim/survivor. This is an unhealthy shame that we feel; because in no way are we “bad”, an individual is never in the wrong or did something ¨bad¨ that results in the right to be abused, bullied, or traumatized. Being abused or experiencing trauma is never the victim/survivor’s fault nor did they ever do something to ¨deserve¨ what happened to them. In short, it is normal for a victim/survivor of abuse/trauma to experience shame, however, it is important to understand that this kind of shame is different in that the victim/survivor is never in the wrong for a violation to happen to them.
Healthy emotions have a way of humanizing us. Healthy shame catches us in our morality, and it is not all bad. If we did not have healthy shame and react appropriately: one can develop many issues and they themselves may become/be a bully, abuser, etc. because they have not developed the moral compass that is often guided by healthy shame or guilt. Most likely the individuals that struggle with this have their own history of unresolved trauma, are insecure/have low self-esteem, are searching for a sense of power but ultimately feel utterly powerless. Unhealthy shame and/or guilt is sometimes referred to as “toxic” (unhealthy). The term “toxic” has gotten very popular in the last couple of years. Toxic just means: “unsupportive and disempowering” which are the two main characteristics of something that is “toxic” – a relationship, a mentality, a job, etc. We might have our own relationship with the word “toxic” or “unhealthy” (something that makes us feel bad about ourselves) but this is a good foundation to start from and keep in mind with the usage of this kind of language/terms because they sometimes can be misunderstood and act as a label for a whole host of difficult feelings. Sometimes, terms can put a ¨cap¨ on processing difficult feelings until we are ready and feel safe. It is important to inquire what our personal definitions of these terms are compared to literature and vocabulary.
Let’s check our boxes before we move forward in our learning. Check, check, double-check!
Now that we know what healthy shame and unhealthy shame are, that victim shaming is a toxic/unhealthy kind of shame, and that it is not okay to promote or normalize victim shaming on any level: let’s talk about why.
When we go through a traumatic experience, we are a victim of that experience as well as a survivor. Some victims of trauma do not want to be called a victim and prefer the term “survivor” although it is normal to go through the process of feeling like a victim; because in fact, we are. We do not “choose” to have trauma happen to us, ever. We do not “choose” to be a victim. Going through traumas or adverse experiences of any kind and surviving from them is derailing, to say the least. It is 100% normal to feel like a victim and it would be quite concerning if an individual did not (although there are very legit clinical reasons we might not feel like a victim such as; numbing, victim shaming ourselves, being victim shamed by others, trauma reaction to stabilize ego, etc.), as it is a normal part of the healing process of trauma that cannot be bypassed and must be held in a therapeutic relationship: not shamed, dismissed, belittled, pushed, and/or manipulated. When this happens and someone is victim-shamed, their trauma is perpetuated. What we know about trauma experiences is: we feel powerless, scared, invaded, victimized, abused, misled, manipulated, controlled, exploited, and more. When we shame the victim by inferring that it somehow was their fault, dismissing their experience and feelings, that they should be strong enough, or stop complaining, we are:
… coming from a place of ignorance: lack of education, knowledge, and training.
… coming from a place of limited insight.
… coming from an underdeveloped emotional intelligence or awareness.
… coming from a hurt, wounded, and unhealed place ourselves.
… not having their best interest at heart.
… not respecting their feelings as well as the process of healing from trauma.
… not trained enough to help someone who has undergone a traumatic experience.
… not healed enough to help someone who has undergone a traumatic experience.
… seeking power over a vulnerable individual to feel better about ourselves.
… taking advantage of their vulnerability and pain.
… making them feel even more powerless.
… making them question their reality.
Treating people this way by victim shaming can cause a lot of harm to an individual: psychologically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Victim shaming can set the individual receiving it into an even more downward spiral. The impact we have is huge in the face of vulnerability. What we say and how we treat people has an impact. It is beneficial to know our limitations and try not to get caught up in “trying to be a good person” because we are not doing anyone any favors by using a vulnerable situation to feel like a good person in trying to help someone when we are extremely limited. Knowing our limitations is a muscle of authentic resiliency. There is power and safety in knowing our limitations. Humility, sure, but also, we all have our limitations and weaknesses!
Yes, one might feel a sense of inadequacy and like they do not know what to say or do, however, this is no excuse. I am here to help, to educate you; to be a source of knowledge that is safe and healthy in which you can bring and practice into your day-to-day life. Trauma is happening all the time and if we are approached by someone struggling from the aftermath of a traumatic experience or they are currently in an ongoing one, the following are some appropriate ways can respond to that individual.
Validation, support, & resources.
Validation can feel like providing empathy, compassion, and support. It is supportive and that is what we want here. (We do not want pity, if we only know how to pity someone in their pain and have not developed empathy or compassion yet, please stay away from this response for now until you are more emotionally skilled.)
“I am so sorry this happened to you.” “That must have felt so horrible.” “You did not deserve for that to happen to you.” ¨This was not your fault what happened to you, I am so sorry you went through that. Other phrases that can feel supportive, empowering, or safe depending on where the person is in their healing are: “I am not trained in trauma, but let’s find someone who is who can help you.” “I am not a therapist, but let’s find one who can help you and I know you will get through this.” “It is okay to need help and there are people who know how to help you.” This is where we can give resources – not everyone might know about resources available in their community/area, however, there are so many resources found online with just the click of a button. It is very normal for a trauma survivor to need hand-holding due to the state of shock/survival mode. Understanding this requires a very developed emotional intelligence and training. We must not try to get the survivor’s hopes up that somehow, we personally can help them, keep in mind that this is not the time for friendships, relationships, etc., to form as there is a power dynamic here where someone is in need. However, it is safe to say the following:
The first thing is first: Safety.
”Are you safe now?” “Do you have somewhere to stay where you feel safe?” we can give them crisis resources or help them to call 911, however it might not always be necessary. It is okay to provide them or remind the person who has approached you or confided in you. Any crisis center or hospital can and should provide necessary resources/referrals for trauma survivors. There are trauma crisis phone lines as well that are run by trained professionals and are 24/7 and confidential. If you do not know of them, they can be located with a quick internet search.
How to get help. Therapy. Healing.
“You can start with calling your health insurance and ask if there is a therapist who works with trauma and see if your therapist can be covered by your insurance.” This is always the best place to start when finding a therapist. Maybe they mentioned what health insurance they have, and you encourage them that the number is on their card and that they will be able to help them. Thank them for sharing their story, you can show you care by putting your hand on your heart for example. You do not have to fix it for them or be their friend, the best thing we can do is provide resources and point them toward people that can truly help them.
Secondly, we can write down some local resources for them! There are often nonprofits in every area that we can let them know the name or number. We can say: “This organization can help you, and if they cannot, they will be able to tell you who can help you!” This instills the survivor with hope as well because there is always help there! All mental health organizations, as well as therapists in private practice, are required to give the individual seeking help at least 3 referrals to providers that can help if they are not able to (for example, their practice is full, they do not have the specific training to help the inquiring individual, or the individual does not feel it is a good fit for them: these are some reasons referrals might be needed) and this is considered “best practice” and is very important. There is a professional system in place that acts as a safety net or web for individuals to get the help they need.
We must remember that it is normal to feel in utter chaos or vulnerability in a state of trauma or crisis.
Respect the healing process. Shaming survivors of trauma is not the way. We can choose to be part of the healing process in a healthy way, rather than part of an individual’s trauma.
Remember that feelings of powerlessness, hopelessness, sadness, guilt, depression, shame, fear, confusion, anger, and loss (to name a few) are all completely normal, valid, okay, and healthy as a response to trauma. I confirm these feelings as healthy because to have these feelings and reactions to trauma is a common beginning to processing such a violation that was not okay, not deserved, not healthy, not love, not normal, and did not happen for a specific reason. Trauma is horrible, we do learn lessons from our trauma of course, and we can hold that belief while working through the trauma, however it is not to be used to shame, normalize, and/or dismiss a trauma experience by saying everything happens for a reason. This is not the place to do that. We cannot bypass the healing process. It is normal to not want to go through that process as feelings can be messy and overwhelming. It is okay to need help. This is another sign of resiliency. There are safe professionals that can truly help and hold a safe space for real healing.
Sometimes, the best thing we can do is know our limitations and we are helping by knowing we cannot help.
It is okay to be discerning or ¨picky¨ with who you work with on your healing journey!
Your safety is a top priority. Not just physical safety, but emotional, mental, psychological, spiritual safety, too. This kind of safety is essential for genuine healing to occur where the survivor regains a sense of control.
I thank you for reading until the end and I am proud of you. It isn’t easy to self-reflect and to learn about very difficult topics in today’s world. By doing so, we put an end to unhealthy patterns in today’s mental health world and you are also contributing to becoming the best version of yourself, and only together – we can make a difference!
Stay safe and informed,
Rachel Howard, LMFT, ATR-BC, RYT
All images © Rachel Howard
Here are some Crisis/Emergency Resources:
If you are ever in an emergency, please call 911. 
RAINN National Rape Crisis Line: When you call 800.656. HOPE (4673), you’ll be routed to a local sexual assault service provider in your area. Trained staff can provide confidential support and connect you to resources in your area.
National Veteran’s Crisis Line: If you are in crisis and need to speak with a crisis responder, please call 1-800-273-8255 and Press 1.
Women In Distress operates a 24-hour crisis hotline (954-761-1133) that provides crisis intervention, advocacy services, counseling, and information on domestic violence.
24/7 Confidential National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
Friendly reminder (disclaimer): The information in this entry is not therapy and cannot be a substitute for work with a licensed therapist. The information in the entry is only intended for educational purposes around the topic of trauma, best practice, victim shaming, a different perspective, or ideas for self-awareness, self-care/wellbeing, and food for thought.