A little friendly disclaimer here (insert smiley face!): if you resonate or identify strongly with the theory of twin flames, this entry might not be for you. My intention behind this writing is to provide my perspective as a psychotherapist (around this widely used term) who is both spiritually oriented and grounded in psychology.
My Perspective
In my work as a psychotherapist, I believe the way in which the word/concept of “twin flames” is used in today’s culture is generally frothy and unhealthy. Although there may be some ways one can use the concept to better understand a relationship, at the end of the day, it holds very little substance. If we look at the concept of twin flames as we would a myth, fairy tale, or other sacred text we can find teaching and a lesson from it, but if we take it literally, one can linger in the mere disillusionment of it.
Twin Flame is a Myth: Origins
The word “twin flame” derived originally from the philosopher: Plato, in his mythic dialogue named “The Symposium “where he describes mythic humans that had two faces, extra limbs: the gods splitting them in half which created humans, the way we see them today. Therefore, we know the actual term comes from a myth-like story; meaning that it is not literal. As adults, myths should be read with the intention that there is internal teaching or lesson that brings forth meaning often using metaphor, imagination, and archetypes which help to bridge the personal with the universal. For children, myths like fairy tales are a natural language and of much emotional and social value, aiding children in their development and integrating both hemispheres of their brain’s: specifically in developing a sense of a moral compass, empathy, and creativity (right brain) with language, facts, and logic (left brain). Metaphor and fantasy when combined in an intentional and skillful way, and with thoughtful imagery (by an artist who understands child development) are of value for children’s growth and can help them in understanding more expansive concepts like compassion, humility, and more. Children naturally start to connect morality and meaning within a story, and this is the same approach I think is needed when determining personal and universal meaning from the story of the “twin flame”.
It is worthwhile to propose questions about concepts such as twin flames; basic questions that aid in evaluating the idea with our personal felt sense, beliefs, and knowledge base, but also compared to our understanding of relative significant findings within large bodies of literature and/or research such as psychology, mythology, science, philosophy, religious and spiritual teachings, and practices, and much more.
Astrology & Twin Flames
The field of astrology is very vast, a very large body of information, some of which dates to very ancient civilizations. If twin flames mean that one’s soul becomes split and become identical to another’s soul’s blueprint and is now a mirror or identical to the other person’s soul: indicating that now two people have the same or part of the same soul as each other… this concept does not fit within the basis of the science of astrology. We know deeply in astrology that we have our own blueprint and our own soul. It would be that we were born under the same stars and planet placements as someone else, and that is impossible. In my studies of couple’s natal charts, I can see how certain aspects can complement the other, but through my lens and experience with working with clients therapeutically as a couples therapist, one can often find complementary aspects in just about any chosen relationship depending on what kind of story we want to write together.
Astrology can be used to strengthen any relationship by developing more understanding and compassion for each other by seeing their partner’s personal challenges and areas of growth, how to better support each other or hold space for one another; a tool for working through specific themes in the relationship that present as challenges and differences and finding the gift there. When used in a therapeutic way: astrology cannot be used in “fraudulent ways” to confirm identity or fused personality of a relationship (by defining it as twin flames through oppositions or complementary aspects in someone’s natal chart when comparing it to another): identity is developed and created over time as the relationship grows, first starting from a solid sense of our own personality and identity. Identifying your relationship as a twin flame can often stick your relationship in what can feel like a tiny echo chamber. Yikes.
Spirituality Meets Psychology: Twin Flames
A twin flame is also thought of as someone whom we feel a very strong mutual attraction to, someone who brings out the parts in us where healing or self-development is reflected within our connection to them. The common twin flames belief is that you are presented with this person to help heal these wounds with each other and through each other. A twin flame is commonly spoken of as someone whom one quickly feels fast chemistry but may more realistically struggle with a sense of self, healthy boundaries, automatic trust, personal independence, personal power, internalizing core values, and understanding concepts of compatibility which often comes with life experience and/or being modeled and taught this as a child who grew up witnessing and having healthy relationships and social guidance when needed. Oftentimes people report twin flame relationships to be addicting and codependent, tiptoeing around an unspoken knowingness; using twin flames as a bypass for healing work that they later realize they cannot do through another wounded person. This happens often among many kinds of relationships and this fiery magnetic pull rooted in unhealed wounds is often misinterpreted as a spiritual awakening.
Chemistry is a pleasant social interaction, exchange of energy, or experience – it is enjoyable and fun, however, the real depth of magic in relationships lies in what matters the most as you truly get to know someone: how you treat each other. One can use this concept of “twin flame” to put up with mistreatment, it is common to mix up: thoughts with meaning and form interesting yet unhelpful beliefs. I think that twin flames can give a sense of identity to grasp onto in difficult relationships (both people suffering from a loss or confusion around their own identity and sense of self) that often started when the couple was in a very vulnerable time personally before they met and probably needed to remain supportive friends. A common characteristic reported by “twin flame” relationships is that it is very difficult to be friends due to the pull toward each other. Hormones and sexual attraction, sure, personality and emotional connection, there is no doubt about that; but if one really thinks about it in more depth (I love to call it love-logic, a made-up term), this concept of the twin flame is underdeveloped; which mirrors the confusion around it.
Getting so invested in these concepts in our minds when it comes to relationships can become distracting from the relationship, we have with ourselves and the rest of the world: and with that disconnect with ourselves, how can we truly feel connected with anyone else wholeheartedly? A healthy relationship should not distract, pull us away from our own path and our own growth, but complement it and add to it. Of course, there are massive hardships and gray areas in life, but no matter how you cut the cookie, it’s like mathematics, you will always get the same answer. We are whole without anyone else. The concept of twin flame lends itself to thinking that we need each other to be whole. It’s a blessing in life when we meet people who can be a supportive part of our journey and vice versa!
Take your time. Take your time to get to know someone. Know the difference between chemistry and compatibility. What gives meaningful breaths of life to a relationship are friendship, trust, care, time, and ethical sincerity. Chemistry and attraction are great, but not everything; this is where so many get stuck and confused in which really stunts personal growth. Take time to see how someone you are interested in or attracted to treats you. Allow there to be a meeting place in which you both learn from each other, where there is breath and space for the person to show you what they can add to your life naturally by being themselves. One can be attracted to and have chemistry with so many different people: I promise you! It’s a fun and exciting part of life and dating or getting to know someone that I encourage my clients to be excited about and to explore; there is value here in discovering and developing accepts of the self, however, to be too invested so early on does not give a relationship more validity, ¨specialness¨ or healthy qualities: in idealizing the other, all or nothing thinking, as well as automatic trust and respect. Allow there to be the space for the breath, for a relationship to be, and enough time to also integrate what you are learning from each other. Relationship with self is a practice: every day we practice being in a relationship with ourselves. In this meeting place with the other, we practice here, too: being in relationship with self and other.
Aspire to inspire; be your own flame!
My goal is to promote healthy, soulful relationships. For a very highly used, attractive, and intriguing ¨spiritual¨ term, in my work, I find that the modern collective understanding of “twin flames” does the opposite of what I am feeling called to promote, foster, nurture, and teach as a psychotherapist to my clients. It feels as if this understanding of “twin flames” takes the individuality of the soul out of the relationship and literally makes it identical/the same. A soul is unique. We are individual separate people. We always will be and that is a blessing and gift of being human.
Relationships can be healing and reparative… the right ones. One can be in a relationship that can truly help to heal past traumatic or unhealthy relationships by having a healthy experience with someone. However, one must need to water the garden floor of emotional safety and trust for some time to allow a relationship to become healing, and with the ability to honor individual sovereignty and life as a path back home to the heart, and not for a means of personal power and control or to fulfill the needs of the other, but to foster wholeness and complete independence of their partner.
Planting these seeds is the easy part, nurturing them takes more than flirtation and consideration. Twin flame or not, I would rather use terms that foster clarity in what healthy relationships look like, feel like, not add to the confusion so many faces already, and then grasp onto the term “twin flame” to identify and make sense of their relationships out of confusion or popularity.
The quality of the relationships we have simply mirror the quality of the relationship we have with ourselves.
Be your own flame,
Thanks a lot for tuning in on this very interesting topic for discussion!
Regards,
Rachel Howard, LMFT, ATR-BC, RYT
All images © Rachel Howard
Friendly reminder (disclaimer): The information in this entry is not therapy and cannot be a substitute for work with a licensed therapist. The information in the entry is only intended for educational purposes around these topics, a different perspective, or ideas for self-care/wellbeing and food for thought.